There’s a college football analog for everybody.

The 2020 election cycle is well underway. If you’re just getting acquainted with the candidates or trying to pick one, here’s a helpful field guide to understanding each of them.

Joe Biden

A lot of people love him. He’s really fun to watch. He’s generally considered successful and has managed to stay relevant for a long time despite never winning the biggest prize. He’s meme-friendly. But he’s blown some big leads and is also deeply problematic in his own ways. The former vice president is clearlyOklahoma State.

Bernie Sanders

Is proposing a New Leadership Model that he frames as a radical transformation of the way things have always been. But it’s not really new and has in fact been tried a bunch of times before, with mixed results. Bernie is Arizona State.

Beto O’Rourke

Lost comfortably to the political equivalent of Purdue and still thinks he deserves a chance, only because he passes the eye test. He’s Ohio State.

Kamala Harris

A cop, which makes her the NCAA. Next joke.

Elizabeth Warren

Thinks a small group of plutocrats have too much control over things and should be broken up. Also, once declared herself something she actually wasn’t. UCF.

Cory Booker

Elite credentials, kind of nerdy, and no standout track record of success. He’s Northwestern, though he played at Stanford.

Amy Klobuchar

Has a temper that can regularly lead to self-owns, like making your own face bloody during a game, throwing things at your staff, punching a whiteboard, costing your team points in a big game because you wanted to yell, or eating a salad with a comb. The only answer here is wherever Will Muschamp is at any given time.

Kirsten Gillibrand

Checks all of the boxes for a good candidate, seems like she should be a powerhouse, has run up big margins in favorable situations, but won’t finish on top. Hello, Georgia.

Howard Schultz

Super rich, super boring, and doesn’t have actual fans. Why does the Starbucks man run for president as an independent? Why does Rice play Texas?

Julian Castro

Is from Texas and has an identical twin. As a former Housing and Urban Development secretary, he’s used to pouring money into facilities. He’s Texas or Texas A&M. You pick.

Tulsi Gabbard

Seems fine when she starts explaining her views. It’s when she keeps explaining her views, in detail, that you realize you might have a problem on your hands. She’s just Mike Leach.

Andrew Yang

Founded something called Ventures for America. Stanford.

Jay Inslee

Running a single-issue campaign on the issue that matters most: saving the world from catastrophic climate change. He’s just like every college football fan on the internet whose top priority in life is to bring back NCAA Football.

John Hickenlooper

He made a bunch of his money from beer. He’s allegedly competent, but boring. You don’t want to watch him. He’s Wisconsin.

John Delaney
Marianne Williamson
Wayne Messam
Mike Gravel

Wasting people’s money with no shot to win or even generate interest. Assign your teams amongst yourselves, because you’re all dropping to FCS.

Pete Buttigieg

Is from Indiana, and you only remember he exists when he fights valiantly before losing to a more powerful opponent. He’s Indiana, except for in 2010. (We’ll come back to that.)

The Democratic primary winner will face Donald Trump for the national title.

Liberty.

Here are some other parties that will run candidates.

The Libertarian Party is out in the middle of nowhere, not that important, typically unhappy, believes everything should be legal, and has a gun: UNLV.
The Green Party doesn’t win anything but will ruin things for everybody else. Hail to Pitt.

Also: Hillary Clinton

She’s 2010 Indiana, specifically.