Ranking every NFL team’s schedule release video from the incredible to Jerry Jones doing ASMR

Don’t make me watch Jones do ASMR again. Please.

The release of the NFL schedule has become one of the dumbest things in sports. Entire multi-hour TV specials are devoted to seeing who plays in primetime, and breaking down which teams have the most advantageous bye weeks.

But 2019 was special. It was different. Teams were allowed to have fun on Twitter, and that led to some of the best videos we’ve seen. Some teams took something so boring and mundane and made them magical, others ... not so much.

These were so good we can’t stop watching.

Los Angeles Chargers— Stock Footage reveal

Stock footage is mana from heaven, and the Chargers nailed it. The whole thing has this very Tim and Eric vibe to it, which I really appreciate — and it’s so janky it’s good. The Chargers used to be so horrible on Twitter, being mostly first-person accounts of PF Changs. Now they’ve discovered comedy.

Carolina Panthers— Classic video games

Hook this nostalgia directly to my veins. Mortal Kombat II is on point. I love the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater goof. If you’re a child of the 70s, 80s, or 90s, this is a beautiful, wonderful thing and I love every second of it.

Atlanta Falcons— Game of Thrones, with a jab

Several teams went with a Game of Thrones aesthetic (more on those later), but nobody did it better than the Falcons because of one core moment, which happens 40 seconds in.

Why yes, that is a Ram, obliterating a member of a marching band presumably playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, and, yes, that is a referee running in and waving off the penalty as an ode to the NFC Championship game. It hits such a specific nerve that it’s beautiful.

Better than average.

Pittsburgh Steelers— Mr. Schedule’s Neighborhood

I have a two-year-old. So by nature I’ve watched a lot of Mr. Rodgers over the past 24 months. I really appreciate this loving homage to the show, and Mr. Rodgers by extension — a Pittsburgh native. I can appreciate this.

Cleveland Browns— John Dorsey is so old.

I appreciate the self depreciation of Browns’ general manager John Dorsey to log onto his America Online account, printing it off on one of those printers that makes a horrific whining sound like the shriek of a banshee, and pinning it to his wall.

Seattle Seahawks— Beat ‘em up

I like that the bye week is a trip to Pizza Hut. Nice touch.

Jacksonville Jaguars— As seen on TV

Maybe not the nostalgia I was looking for, but I can get down with this.

Detroit Lions— The Office

I appreciate the effort in finding all these clips.

New York Giants— Tracey Morgan reveal

Automatically good.

New York Jets— NFL Blitz

A solid effort. Went on just a little too long for a single conceit.

These are fine.

Indianapolis Colts— Andrew Luck facts

Oakland Raiders— Antonio and Trent Brown react

Houston Texans— Game of Thrones

Green Bay Packers— Packers Man

New England Patriots— Bad Lip Reading

Baltimore Ravens— Mega Ravens

Philadelphia Eagles— Famous Fans

Buffalo Bills— Tinder

Tennessee Titans— Country music

Kansas City Chiefs— Classic moments

Chicago Bears— 100 years in the making

Denver Broncos— Madden

Nope ... no thanks.

Dallas Cowboys— ASMR

There is absolutely nothing about Jerry Jones saying “Let’s Go Cowboys” in ASMR that I ever want to think about ever again.

Arizona Cardinals— First version

People freaked out because Josh Rosen wasn’t featured at all in this and it was so bad the team had to issue a revision. Welp.

Minnesota Vikings— Poetry

I love the idea. The execution just isn’t there. This could have been special, but, alas ...

New Orleans Saints — New Orleans Stuff

There is nothing memorable about this. Sorry, Saints.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers— This

Nah.

Cincinnati Bengals— Mascot on a scooter

THIS was the best y’all could come up with?

Miami Dolphins— Zzzzzzz

Los Angeles Rams— Players react

Except they didn’t really react. Just said “nice” a whole bunch.