Meet the ladies of ‘The Bachelor’ 2019

Take a minute to get acquainted with some of the women who will be vying for Colton’s heart this season.

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

Tonight, the millionth 23rd season of the Bachelor franchise kicks off as the sweet, baby-faced Colton Underwood goes in search of Forever Love. You may recognize Colton from his stint on “The Bachelorette,” where the titular Becca Kufrin sent our lovable cherub home after hometown dates. The 26-year-old, who shared last season that he is still a virgin, then went on “Bachelor in Paradise” where he and on-again-off-again fling Tia bored us with some nonsense before ultimately breaking up and heading home at a convenient time to be named the next Bachelor.

Now, Colton will sift through 30 women to find his one true love. Before the season starts (ABC, 8 p.m./7 p.m. central), let’s take a moment to get to know the ladies. You can check out all their bachelorette bios here.

Best Profession: Dog Rescuer (Alex B., 29)

Is it too late to change this to my “job”? Dog Rescuer is what I’m going to call myself in five years when I adopt another handful of puppers to go with the two maniacs I already have.

Honestly, she’s kind of my favorite and it’s the first bio I’ve read. I mean come ON:

Alex is the proud owner of a successful dog rescue business, which takes her all over the world in search of four-legged friends to save. To date, she’s saved almost 5,000 dogs from slaughter.

That’s pretty awesome. They’re good dogs, Colton.

Worst Job Descriptions: Three-way tie

OK, now I know ABC likes to get...creative...with job titles, but things have gone too far. Previously we’ve had “Twin” (Emily and Haley Ferguson), “Free Spirit” (Lucy Aragon), “Social Media Participant” (Kamil Nicalek), “Chicken Enthusiast” (Tiara Soleim), and the godforsaken “Whaboom” (Lucas Yancey).

This season, we have three that make “Dog Rescuer” seem like it’s completely normal:

Sloth — Alex D., 23

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? She has a job (Account Manager at an IT staffing agency), so why would you either ask, or agree to (not sure which), the producers just calling you a Sloth because you move slowly? This really bothers me.

Cinderella — Erin, 28

EXTENDED EYE ROLL.

Never Been Kissed — Heather, 22

Of the three, this is the only one who may not have an actual job (which is totally fine). She’s a self-proclaimed “thrill-seeker” that, despite having bungee-jumped and sky-dived and river-rafted, she’s still never kissed a boy! Not sure how all those are related, but I feel like we’re going to get a really long talk between Colton and Heather about this.

Oh, and she has a cat named Kitty.

Coolest Chick: Cassie, 23

I want to have a beer with Cassie. She’s an “avid surfer” and hails from Huntington Beach, Calif. Her pre-limo package is sure to be full of surfing clips and her looking out at the waves crashing onto the shore while the voiceover says stuff like, “I’m just looking for that person to ride the waves of this crazy world with.”

She even just looks like a cool person:

ABC

But the best part of Cassie’s bio isn’t even any of that. It’s the fact that she has two cats named Goose and Maverick. You can be my wingwoman anytime, Cassie.

Best “I don’t even know what to say” Bio: Catherine, 26

I mean....what? First of all, Catherine is a “successful commercial real estate agent,” but at night she hits the turntables to pump up Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., as DJ Agro.

DJ AGRO!

Her bio describes her as an, “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.” OK, then. It goes on to list her favorite author as Dr. Seuss (reminder, she’s 26), and that she doesn’t have any tattoos because, “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.”

ABC

This is going to be fun, Catherine DJ Agro.

Biggest Liar Liar Pants on Fire: Bri, 24

Bri seems like a pretty straight forward Bachelor/ette contestant from her bio. She’s a model, lists “farting too loudly” as her biggest date fear (quiet farting is fine?), and “loves when a date notices her outfit.” But Bri is going to be hated by the house, mark my words. Why? Because she’s willing to pull shit like this:

This is the clip that finally got me excited for this season. BRI YOU SLY DOG.

Too Nice For This Show: Courtney, 23

Courtney was born in Germany (Wiesbaden...my guess is a military brat), is the oldest of five, puts together healthy meal plans for athletes, and has a perfectly rational fear of reptiles.

Most “I’m One of the Guys” Bio: Demi, 23

Here are all the things Demi lists as likes/skills:

• ATVing
• Fishing
• Watching WWE
• Driving stick shift

These things are all super fun and great, but it feels like she’s going for the “I’m not like the other girls” schtick, which can get old. Also, if she could have lunch with anyone, it would be Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones.” In character.

Most Relatable: Onyeka, 24

A native of Manhattan...Kansas, Onyeka likes Cheez-It crackers (same), uses “you look so familiar” as her go-to pickup line (um, I will now), and does IT risk management for a job (not same, but relatable nonetheless). Her parents got engaged after two weeks (and have been together for 35 years), so if anyone would understand during hometown dates, it’s Onyeka’s parents.

ABC

Craziest Fear (Frogs): Tahzjuan, 25

OK, I have so many questions. How does one develop a “paralyzing fear of frogs”? Tahzjuan hails from Castle Pines, Colo., and according to some quick Google research, Colorado is home to several types of frogs and toads. Does she truly freeze? What happens then?

There’s also:

• Two title-winning beauty queens in Miss North Carolina 2018 (Caelynn) and Miss Alabama 2018 (Hannah B.)
• Someone who “boasts that one of her talents is being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight” (Erika)
• Two women who like to go “glamping” (Hannah G. and Katie)
• Several names I’m going to have trouble keeping track of (Alex B. and Alex D., Hannah B. and Hannah G., and Caelynn and Caitlin)
• Women who are fluent in Spanish (Laura), Russian (Adrianne “Jane”), and Mandarin (Revian)
• An NBA dancer (Sydney)