6 sports Knickers the giant cow would DOMINATE

This cow could be an MVB (Most Valuable Bovine)

Knickers, the absolute unit of a cow is turning heads in Australia and around the world after his owner showed off the 6’4, 3,000 pound cow and announced that he was too big to go to the slaughterhouse.

Now look, I don’t want to be bleak about this — but we kind of have to. Knickers is functionally unemployed at this point. His lot in life was to grow up and eventually be slaughtered. I’m super happy that Knickers beat the system, but now his owner, third-generation cattle farmer Geoff Pearson is saying that the plan is to have Knickers being a “coach cow,” showing others in the herd how to act. It helps when you’re the biggest dude in the room.

This got us thinking: Knickers is too talented to coach. This unit needs to be out there, competing at the highest level and dominating competition in a variety of sports. This is a Bo Jackson meats Babe the Blue Ox situation that needs to be jumped on by every team, in every sport.

6 sports Knickers should compete in immediately.

NFL offensive line.

At first you might think that Knickers should play a position, but what if Knickers played EVERY position. Just turn him sideways with a single center to hike the ball and let the fun begin.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: An NFL defensive line could generate enough force to tip Knickers. That’s okay. It’s still going to take a lot of effort. Also, this isn’t a one-for-one trade. It’s going to take four defensive linemen to shed Knickers, likely with some linebacker help. Conservatively you can imagine it would take 5-6 players to tip him.

Here’s an advanced schematic showing the mismatch opportunity here.

Six defenders are being taken out of the play by Knickers. This leaves the secondary to deal with three receivers, a tight end and a running back. Simple numbers folks — Knickers would be the most important OL of all time.

I left out one linebacker because I’m assuming someone would run away after seeing Knickers.

NHL goalie.

This one is a simple case of mass. Just give Knickers a bundle of hay and I’m sure he’d stay in place for a game. There’s just too much bulk top fake out here. If he just lay on the ice he’s block out the goal like an eclipse and who is going to crash the net with this bovine in the way?

Competitive eater.

This one is both fun and dark. Cows have four stomachs — which is four times the number of stomachs that Joey Chestnut has. There is no way he could beat Knickers at the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

There’s just one issue:

Would Knickers be okay with cannibalism? We’d have to ask him.

Sumo wrestling.

Want to try to push him out of a ring? Have fun with that.

Rugby forward.

The big issue here is trying to get Knickers to hold a football. This is difficult because he lacks opposible thumbs (and hands in general, for that matter.) That said, I think with a little training he could be a force.

Just hand him the ball and let him go. Nobody will stop him. Knickers breaks the game.

Bull riding.

I don’t know if there’s a circuit for bulls or just the riders, but either way Knickers would dominate. Either he’s the most unrideable bull in history, or he rides other bulls and crushes them under his mass so they can’t move.

It’s a win-win situation.

One sport Knickers would NOT be good at.

NBA anything.

I’d love to find a way to put this bovine on the hardwood, but sorry it just doesn’t work. Put him at center and he’d get hit with a 3 second violation all the time, and his hooves would scuff up the floor.

As much as I dream of a world where Knickers is put on the Knicks I just can’t see it happening.